This week I have received text messages from two different people, about two totally different things; yet both were completely inappropriate messages. I’ve received some texts I thought inappropriate in the past, but to receive two in one week cannot go without comment.

So that got me thinking...since when has text become the primary or only means of communication? Don’t these people see that important conversations should be held in person or on the telephone, not via a 160 character, impersonal and meaningless message which results in more questions than answers? I refuse to enter into long-winded conversations by text. So here is some food for thought and a bit of text etiquette for those ignorant of the implications of text misuse.

TO TEXT or NOT TO TEXT...that is the question!

Before writing a text ask yourself a few simple questions:

1. Is it just a social catch up, to say you are thinking of them? If so, send a text
2. Is this something they can answer (to your satisfaction) in two sentences? If not, make a call instead.
3. Could what I have written be misinterpreted or cause offense? If so, call instead.
4. Am I seeking an immediate response? If so, make a call. If they are busy you can leave a message and they can get back to you.
5. Will it take longer to write the text and wait for a response, than it would be to call?
6. Does the person you are texting prefer a call or a text? Just because texting works for you, it can be the bane of some people’s lives, especially those who have jobs that require concentrated effort – the ping of the phone could be an annoying distraction.

Social text messages:

Listen! Friends will often tell you what is appropriate and what is not. Listen and take note of that...don’t just continue doing what you want to do because it suits you. Be respectful of your friends’ preferences. And don’t take offense if they don’t respond for a day, a week or 10 days...your “rules” might be that you expect an immediate response, however, they may work to different rules!

Don’t send text messages in anger or you will live to regret it. Once again, these kinds of messages end up making you look like the fool, not the recipient. Example: A few months back, I received a text message from an acquaintance that I had seen earlier in the day. During the day we had had a very pleasant conversation. Later that evening I received a text from him venting his anger at the way in which I had introduced him to a friend of mine. I had used a term that (although factually correct) he did not like - he had expected me to introduce him as a “friend” of mine. He went on to insult the friend I had introduced him to by calling him “Ginge” because my friend had ginger hair. I was horrified. Later I received an apologetic text stating he had written it but had not meant to send it and couldn't get it back. I contacted him by phone (after I had calmed down!) and I expressed my astonishment, annoyance and hurt. We agreed it was inappropriate and it would not happen again. Unfortunately he did not learn his lesson and went on to send another such text recently. Suffice to say, he has never made it onto my “Friends” list and I have since cut off all contact with him when I realised his behaviour was manipulative and dangerous.

Don’t send long text messages, about various different topics or justifying a particular behaviour (your own or someone else’s). Save this kind of text message for a verbal conversation. As stated earlier, it can create a range of emotions for the recipient if misinterpreted - or even if not. This kind of text message, I call the Psychotic Coward’s text message. Example: A client of mine recently received such a text message from her nephew; it was shocking, disrespectful, full of lies and although the writer may have thought he was being clever, it actually gave the recipient the evidence/record of the writers bad attitude and showed him to be delusional! Is that what you want your recipient to think of you?

NEVER accuse someone of a misdemeanour by text. If you believe someone has done something to offend you in any way, then think it through, write it down so that you can get clarity, and even talk it through with another friend/confidant...and then, when you are clear on what you perceive the situation to be, MAKE A CALL but with an open mind. Making an accusation of a wrong doing by text message will not get you the result you want. You may think you are being smart but again only gives a very bad impression of you and causes conflict that does not need to arise!

Text for business purposes requires a little more forethought! If you need to speak to a business colleague or client who is usually busy as certain times (like during office hours), then it may be good manners to send a text to check if they are free to speak on the phone. Some people do not like to be disturbed during the business day or may be in important meetings. Schedule a time to call about anything that does not meet the 2 sentence rule.

Dont fall for the bad advice I see floating around the internet: ie. Ask open ended questions to keep the conversation going...

Sexting is stupid! If you are in a relationship with someone and it floats your boat, hey! Who am I to object? But if either of you are in other committed relationships, then don’t be foolish enough to believe you won’t get caught out - or maybe even betrayed by the other party. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, don’t do it. And if you are in the early stages of dating someone and you love sexting, find out if it’s something the other person enjoys too. Example: A year or so ago I met a guy who invited me out on a date. The date was enjoyable, so we agreed to meet up again. The second date was fun and we laughed a lot. That night, when I returned home I received a nice text saying he enjoyed the date but would be away on business during the week and would phone on the Friday. On that Friday he sent me a text message that asked me what underwear I had on, to describe the underwear to him, the colour etc and finished by expressing what he was going to do to me (in graphic details). Ok, I was astonished. I am not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but this made me feel sick as it wasn’t exactly appropriate given we hadn’t discussed such things and he didn’t really know me well enough to send that kind of message or my response to it.

How to respond to text messages.

If the text messages creates a negative emotion in you: STOP! Take stock, put yourself in their shoes and ask questions that will help you resolve it for both of you. Questions like: what is going on in the writers life that could have caused this person to send such a hurtful/angry/bitter/etc text? Did they really mean to cause offense or could it be interpreted in another way? How can I stop this from escalating into something worse? What response is appropriate that will show me in a good light? (sometimes that might just mean texting to say you would prefer to have a verbal conversation and refuse to enter into any further messaging).

Cut off text messages that are bullying, nasty, or make you shudder! Don’t be dragged into the spiral.

If you are busy, tired, about to go to a meeting or go to bed, say so. I once had the experience of getting into a social text cycle late at night with a friend...I was in bed and managed to fall asleep half way through a text. My friend expressed their annoyance at no response to what she perceived was a really important question. The next day I called an apologised.... When she answered the phone, her annoyance was obvious, however after explaining what had happened, she reluctantly admitted she felt hurt and rejected. The relationship is stronger than ever as I helped her work through her feelings.

If there is a lot to discuss, then rather than keeping texting, just ask for a good time to call and chat! Text messages are not designed for indepth conversations. Life is too short to be wearing out your fingers and thumbs and giving yourself a crick in the neck by constantly looking down and texting on a phone! Verbal conversations help build your character, self esteem and confidence, as well as avoiding misunderstandings.

Hope this helps you build better relations with your loved ones, friends and colleagues.

Merry Christmas!